I am a stay-at-home mom raising my only son, who is four years old, and we are currently stuck at home due to COVID-19. I have raised him with great care, but for some time now, when I tell him to eat, he says he doesn’t want to, and when I tell him to stop eating, he throws a tantrum and cries until I give him more. I am exhausted from battling with my son, who seems to do everything in reverse. Is there a way to get along better with my little "green frog"? - From a Green Frog Mom

The psychology behind this behavior is referred to in psychology as "psychological reactance." This is the tendency to do the opposite of what one is told, feeling a strong desire to engage in forbidden actions. When someone feels their freedom is being restricted by directives, they experience a sense of deprivation and react against it by engaging in prohibited behaviors.

Around the age of two, children begin to develop a sense of "freedom, independence, and autonomy," and by the age of four, they start to place significant value on these concepts. As long as it doesn’t lead to major issues, this can be seen as a healthy stage of development, as it indicates emotional growth. However, with such values come responsibilities, so it is important to teach principles through discipline, clearly outlining what is acceptable and what is not, and ensuring that words, actions, and expressions are consistent.

Children at this age struggle significantly when they feel a lack of parental attention. To gain that attention, they instinctively seek the easiest and most comfortable methods. They prefer to be the focus of attention and may mistakenly believe that negative attention gained through misbehavior is also a form of affection.

What children fear most is parental indifference and withdrawal of love. It is essential to check whether you are responding promptly to your child's words, whether they have experienced any unfair treatment, or if there are unresolved emotions. If a child grows up with experiences of love withdrawal or unresolved feelings, the inner child may remain stuck at that developmental stage. Children around four years old understand words but may not grasp their meanings fully. They are too young to comprehend that acting in opposition to parental directives can lead to negative consequences. Their behavior is not a deliberate attempt to annoy their parents; rather, it is self-centered and driven by their desires.

If this behavior is labeled as problematic, it can lead to emotional trauma, making appropriate parental responses crucial.

Finding a way to coexist with your "green frog" son! The best remedy for a child like this is parental attention, praise, and recognition. Hang in there!

Is there anything more challenging than parenting? Any parent who has raised a child would likely agree with this question. As a parent, am I truly raising my child correctly? How well do I know my child? At Mom & I, we present expert counseling cases in a Q&A format to offer wisdom for proper child-rearing. We hope this counseling corner will be beneficial and helpful to many parents with young children.

Written by Professor Park Hyo-sook  
Director of the New Jersey Family Ministry / Doctor of Pastoral Counseling  
Counseling appointments: hyosook0510@gmail.com