Until now, we have discussed what parents can do for their children, but today I want to talk about what mothers can do for themselves. There is an abundance of advice and theories about what makes a good mother, but there seem to be few honest accounts of what it truly means to become a mother. Most parenting books, even when they offer polished words of comfort, leave you with the unsettling realization that "So, all of this is my fault for my child's behavior." Recently, a survey conducted among Korean mothers raising children in the U.S. revealed that 60% of them felt that parenting books only "partially apply" to their experiences. Ultimately, life cannot be fully understood through theories or books; our unique understanding of our children comes from the experiences we accumulate through real-life challenges.

I have spent a long time meeting and counseling mothers. One thing I can confidently say is that every single mother (myself included) experiences moments of frustration, disappointment, and anger after becoming a mother. The frequency of these feelings varies from person to person. I believe that mothers are always at a disadvantage in the face of some unknown, overwhelming force that distorts the image of motherhood into a complete blessing and happiness. The standards for being a good mother should be defined by the mothers themselves, and since not every woman is a prepared mother, why is it that no one teaches us that we are all in the process of becoming? The countless happy parenting stories on social media, which suggest that most mothers are doing well while making others feel like failures, are just edited snippets of reality. I, too, have a few beautifully edited stories that fit into a neat frame. And I confess that the number of "likes" I receive for sharing those stories brings me a sense of pride. However, the reality of raising children does not always fit into a neat frame. In reality, we all experience varying degrees of anxiety and are simply "hanging in there."

What are we enduring for? What drives us to carry the heavy identity of being a mother, which seems to swallow up our entire selves? If we cannot find answers to these questions ourselves, we will inevitably be drawn to the world's standards of success and the glamorous parenting techniques of other mothers. However, goals that we do not set for ourselves only weigh us down further, much like wearing clothes that do not fit. The education we have received has not given us the opportunity to think and choose for ourselves. We have been too busy following instructions and memorizing answers. Even at this point in our lives as mothers, we continue to believe that there is a right answer somewhere and that we must write the right answers for our own lives. Whether a mother practices intensive parenting, free-range parenting, or is deeply involved in her child's education, if she is following her chosen path, there is no right or wrong.

If you, the reader, feel like you are wearing clothes that do not fit or are feeling confused, I encourage you to take a moment to set your children aside and start something for yourself. It could be studying, a hobby, exercise, reading—anything at all. There is no need to spend a lot of money on a glamorous or romantic activity. Even an hour a day is enough. For mothers who are unsure of where to start, I would like to recommend a book. "A Mother's 20 Years" by author Oh Sohee introduces detailed methods for mothers who have exhausted themselves by mistaking their children's achievements for their own. It encourages them to cultivate their own world where they can feel like "an entity beyond their role." Children are not a means to prove a mother's love; they grow as independent beings while receiving that love. And we, too, must continue to grow as independent beings while receiving such love. Perhaps the first recipient of the love we should give is ourselves, rather than our children.

“How can a mother who does not take good care of herself take good care of her child? A fruitful tree bears rich fruit. If you value your life, your child will also cherish their own life beside you, saying, ‘I want to live like my mom.’” - Oh Sohee

• Master's degree in Art Therapy
• Treatment of child victims of sexual assault at the Chicago Children’s Advocacy Center
• Art therapist for the Korean GS Caltex Social Contribution Project and the Seoul Foundation for Arts and Culture
• Healing mothers with substance abuse issues at the Center for Great Expectations in New Jersey
• Founder of the Hope and Art Studio art therapy studio in New Jersey
• Currently conducting picture book creation and counseling programs for mothers and children in a bicultural environment
• Host of the podcast "My American Child"
www.hopeandartstudio.com / hopeandartstudio