Epilogue

Written and photographed by Elly Han

I would like to conclude my cheerful yet tumultuous story of being an actor, which I have serialized over the past six months. I sometimes think how wonderful it would have been to end with a triumphant success story of winning an Oscar, but isn’t it warmer and more relatable to conclude with a more realistic outcome? While this story may end here, I will continue to move forward. If I ever get the chance to continue this story, I hope it will be a truly remarkable success story.

Throughout the serialization, I have gained many insights. The profession of acting is a future-oriented one, always seeking the next project even before finishing the current one. Writing has given me the opportunity to reflect on the path I have walked. I once had a conversation with my actor friends about our happiest moments. Of course, we are happy when we are on stage, on set, or performing, but we all agreed that the most exhilarating moment is receiving an email saying we’ve been cast in a project for which we auditioned. This is because that thrill and happiness are never permanent. The projects we are cast in usually wrap up after a month or two of filming. We are destined to hunt for that fleeting happiness again and again. However, reflecting on my past, I realized, “Wow, I have done many projects and worked hard.” It was an opportunity for me to pat myself on the back for my past successes, something I am not used to doing as I often blame myself for my failures. I believe that opportunity helped me gain more confidence.

When I started writing, we had already entered a global pandemic. Just as everything seemed to come to a halt, film and TV productions also ceased filming. While many people began working from home, actors found themselves unable to work from home. During the first couple of months, I enjoyed catching up on TV shows I had missed due to my busy schedule, sipping wine leisurely. But that only lasted a day or two. The curtains on Broadway seemed unlikely to rise again for a long time, and it felt impossible for many professionals to gather in one place to create art. How many professions are there that cannot practice social distancing and wear masks? One of them is acting.

After a long hiatus, some well-known theater companies began performing plays via video conferencing. Auditions for TV commercials slowly transitioned to virtual formats. TV show auditions also started to be conducted online. Film auditions shifted to self-tapes. The experience of going to an audition, exchanging glances with competitors in the waiting room, entering a room with cameras and lights while hiding my nerves, and sharing emotions with a reader has vanished. Now, I set my laptop on a box to match my eye level, rush to the bathroom to finish my makeup, change into a nice top while still wearing sweatpants, and then return to my room to click the link and wait in a virtual waiting room for my turn to perform in front of the casting director with as much emotion as I can muster. This has become the process for all auditions these days. Acting sincerely in front of a screen alone in my room has been a challenging task. I cannot feel the energy of my scene partner, and capturing even my subtle expressions on the laptop camera feels like a mere ambition. Fortunately, during the pandemic, I managed to shoot two commercials. One was filmed at my home, where I set up the set with a camera, lights, and microphone sent by the crew, while the director guided me through the shoot via video call. The other was filmed on set after completing a COVID test. The floor of the set was covered with tape marking social distancing guidelines, and the crew was minimized. Until just before filming, we wore masks, and instead of the lively chatter of a bustling set, it felt eerily quiet, like a library, devoid of communication.

Perhaps one day we will return to how things were. However, for actors living in the present, all these processes are new and challenging. In a profession where people sit face-to-face to bring the fake to life, we now find ourselves confined to screens, unable to make proper eye contact while performing. It is a profession that longs for human connection. I have come to realize this now.

As always, there is no giving up. I believe that what is needed in a world that is turning upside down is art that can provide rest for people’s hearts. Just as many famous works emerged after the Great Depression, deep works from starving and lonely artists will emerge. When I return to writing, I hope to be deeper and further along in my journey, just as I have walked the path until now.

Written and photographed by Elly Han

After graduating from the Department of Theater at Sangmyung University, I appeared in Korean original musicals such as "Music in My Heart," "While You Were Sleeping," "Joyful Our Young Days," and "The Wizard of Oz." After coming to New York to study with my husband in 2011, I graduated from the New York Film Academy and began appearing in commercials for Amazon and Estée Lauder, as well as TV shows like Netflix's "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt," HBO's "The Deuce," and the upcoming HBO release "The Flight Attendant" in 2021. I also starred in the film "Till We Meet Again" and the award-winning short film "Cooking with Connie" by Stavitt Allweis. Additionally, I have appeared in various other film projects and am currently interested in my first Hollywood feature, "Supercool," set to be released in 2021. In 2014, I published a travel essay titled "Festival Traveler" while enjoying my passion for travel and writing.

For more information on my work, visit www.imdb.com/name/nm5579181/ or follow me on Instagram @ellypie0623.