Part 3: Becoming a Mother

By Han Ji-hye (Elly Han)

As an actress born and raised in Korea, there are two words that are particularly sensitive to my ears: "age" and "auntie." In Korea, once an actress gets married and has children, the chances of landing roles for unmarried characters diminish significantly. This stereotype had been ingrained in my mind. However, in the United States, asking about age during casting is strictly prohibited by law, unless the person is a minor. Casting is based solely on talent and image, regardless of the actor's age. Nevertheless, I had not considered having a child until I had somewhat established my career as an actress. After about five years of marriage, both families began to express curiosity about when we would have grandchildren. For context, my husband is an only son. Yet, my acting career was just beginning to take off. I had appeared in small roles in American dramas and participated in independent films, building relationships with various directors for future projects. Just as I was starting to build my career here, my age was also advancing, and it felt like the time to make a decision had come.

At that moment, my agent Marion reached out to meet. "Elly, I believe in your talent, and I think you can achieve great things. So, no matter what happens, I hope you never give up. But I am getting older, and my only son just became a father, which makes me a grandmother now. The moment I saw my granddaughter's face, I realized I want to enjoy my life now. I want to focus on my life, my family, and my granddaughter." I approached Marion and hugged her.

I had just lost my agent, but as I left the office, a warm smile spread across my face. Marion's last meeting felt like a sign from above, especially as I was contemplating having a child. The following year, I became a mother. I thought I would quickly return to building my acting career after the baby arrived, but once the baby was born, I found myself completely immersed in the time spent with my child, and days flew by in a blur. However, as my baby reached six months, I began to feel a sense of urgency. It had been nearly a year since I last acted, with only a short film I shot during my pregnancy to show for it. Moreover, with Marion gone, I had no agent, and opportunities for auditions were scarce. (For reference, without an agent, it becomes extremely difficult to get auditions for unionized roles.) While my actor friends seemed to be moving forward, I felt stuck in place. After spending all day with my baby without even a moment to eat, I would find myself looking out the window in the late afternoon, catching a glimpse of my disheveled reflection in the glass. Am I really stagnant?

A reader who enjoyed my travel book "Festival Traveler," published a year before I had my baby, sent me a message through social media. It seemed they were disappointed that a free-spirited traveler like me had become a mother who shared baby photos like everyone else. "It's a shame to see you becoming just like any other mom," they wrote. I understood their feelings well. I had instilled the dream of living freely as a free spirit, only to abandon that freedom and conform to societal expectations. Then, I felt a surge of anger. "Why should you be disappointed? What's wrong with being a mom?" I thought, but suddenly, I felt small. Perhaps I resonated with that reader on some level, and their words had touched my self-esteem. I found myself caught in the illusion of needing to "quickly return to my old self," only to confront a reality that was vastly different, causing confusion in my heart. My mind became restless.

Agents Night is a program where actors pay to audition in front of ten agents. It was there that I met Nicole. Unlike Marion, who believed in what she saw in me and walked alongside me, Nicole was a seasoned veteran who, while perhaps more businesslike, had a clear understanding of the industry.

After starting to work with Nicole, auditions began pouring in. Eventually, I hired a babysitter to come three times a week for a few hours. However, with audition schedules varying widely, it was a stroke of luck if the babysitter's availability matched an audition. On the days it didn't, I had no choice but to strap my baby to me and head to the audition. By the time I arrived at the audition venue, my carefully applied makeup had smudged from the subway ride. If the baby fell asleep, I would quietly sneak into the restroom to touch up my makeup, fearing they might wake and cry. Sometimes, my husband would rush from work to watch the baby for a few minutes while I auditioned, or a friend would come to hold the baby for the ten minutes I was auditioning. With my clothes wrinkled from the baby carrier and my confidence already deflated, it was unlikely I would perform well at the auditions.

I attributed my poor audition results to external factors. I didn't have enough time to prepare the script because I was taking care of the baby; I was already mentally drained by the time I got to the audition; my hair was a mess; my makeup was smudged; my outfit was ruined, and so on. I blamed everything but myself. My husband, upset by my disappointment with the results, suggested that I take a break and return to acting when the baby was a bit older and things would be easier. I snapped at him, asking what he meant by that. My husband, who had anticipated my reaction, began to speak calmly. "Well, think about it. You wanted to get back to acting as soon as possible, but if that's truly the case, you have to embrace whatever challenges come your way. Everything has changed now, so why are you only looking back?"

That's right. I could never go back to how things were before, and even if I could, I wouldn't. I would never find the same ease I once had. If I accept and acknowledge who I am now, I won't be disappointed in myself. If I don't have time to prepare the script, I can sacrifice some sleep. If I have to take the baby to auditions, I should be grateful for the opportunity to audition at all. If I feel drained, that feeling is likely a sign of weakness, and if I look disheveled, I can simply tidy myself up again. I am now a mother and an actress. I must not resist change or cling to the past; I must embrace change and move forward. When I stop looking back and focus on what lies ahead, solutions begin to emerge. While sitting in the audition room with my baby, I received a suggestion to audition together, which led to us filming a national commercial and even a movie together. Just by changing my mindset, everything transformed.

Who truly enjoys change? It’s uncomfortable, bothersome, and challenging. Yet change inevitably leads to growth. Since becoming a mother, I feel I have grown significantly as an actress and as a person. I realized that I was not the only one standing still while everyone around me moved forward. We were all experiencing our own life changes and deepening our experiences. I finally wrote back to the reader who had sent me that message. "Dear reader, please don't feel disappointed. I may have become a mother like any other, but I am still living with a spirit of freedom and a love for travel."

By Han Ji-hye (Elly Han)

After graduating from the Department of Theater at Sangmyung University, I appeared in Korean original musicals such as "Music in My Heart," "While You Were Sleeping," "Our Joyful Young Days," and "The Wizard of Oz." After coming to New York with my husband in 2011, I graduated from the New York Film Academy and began my career with commercials for Amazon and Estée Lauder. I have appeared in TV shows such as Netflix's "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt," HBO's "The Deuce," and the upcoming HBO series "The Flight Attendant." I also starred in the film "Till We Meet Again" and the award-winning short film "Cooking with Connie" by Stavitt Allweis. Additionally, I have participated in various film projects and am looking forward to my first Hollywood film, "Supercool," set to be released in 2021. In 2014, I published a travel essay titled "Festival Traveler" while continuing my passion for travel and writing.

For more information about my work, visit www.imdb.com/name/nm5579181/ or @ellypie0623.