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Jiwon Yoon, ATR-BC, LCPC
Photo credit: Unsplash
“Do you get upset over trivial things?”
“Don’t cry; it’s okay.”
“What’s there to be afraid of?”
“Why are you shouting? Speak nicely.”
“What’s embarrassing? Everyone’s doing it.”
These are words we have grown up hearing about feelings of anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, distress, and embarrassment. Such expressions have led us to misunderstand that the emotions listed above are negative and must be hidden. Consequently, when children exhibit these emotions, we may hastily shift them to positive emotions, reprimand or suppress them, or provide comfort without offering solutions for the negative feelings. This is because we have not learned how to handle our own emotions properly.
According to research by Dr. John Gottman, known for “emotion coaching,” high emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize and appropriately express one's own and others’ emotions—positively impacts children's peer relationships, learning abilities, and even physical health. While understanding the importance of accurately reading emotions is clear, how exactly do we achieve this?
“Emotion coaching” begins by not immediately reacting when a child expresses negative emotions—through tantrums, aggression, crying, silence, or rebellion—but by making an effort to fully understand what the child is feeling. Parents often aim to eliminate the emotions or solve the problem because these behaviors and emotions make them uncomfortable. However, it is crucial to temporarily pause and try to feel the child’s emotions. Asking “Why are you acting this way?” to a child who is crying intensely or behaving aggressively doesn’t help because embracing and empathizing with the current emotion is more important than understanding the reason behind it.
Parental patience, waiting until a child calms down after intense emotions and negative behaviors, helps them express their hidden thoughts. Since young children cannot precisely identify their emotions, they require adult coaching. When an adult assigns a name to the child’s feelings, children gain reassurance that what they are feeling is “okay.” An example might be saying, “You’re upset because I didn’t give you what you wanted,” or “You’re disappointed because your friend didn’t include you,” which usually involves an explanation of why the child feels this way. For older children, simply listening genuinely can be beneficial, even though sometimes their honesty can be overwhelming.
The core of “emotion coaching” is to convey that while emotions are fully acknowledged, there are clear boundaries for actions. Once a child feels acknowledged and empathized with, it becomes necessary to address inappropriate behaviors. A child who feels fully understood is often ready to listen to their parents without the need for coercion. It is essential to distinguish between being firm and being harsh. Consistent and appropriate guidance is necessary for unsafe or unacceptable behavior. An example might be saying, “I know you’re very angry, but you shouldn’t throw your toys.” Additionally, asking, “How can you express your anger instead of throwing something?” helps children think of alternatives. Although children may not immediately correct their actions, repeatedly acknowledging emotions first and then setting limits on actions can eventually help them gain confidence in self-regulating their emotions and behaviors.
Though theoretically simple, applying “emotion coaching” can be challenging and requires repeated practice and application. Most importantly, parents must first learn to manage their emotions. Many frustrating moments occur while raising children, and looking closely at our anger reveals feelings of self-disappointment, fear of failure, resentment toward criticism, and loneliness from having to solve problems alone. If there is no one else to empathize with these feelings, parents must provide self-empathy. Criticism such as “Why are you yelling at your child? Is this the best you can do as a mother?” during moments of frustration only amplifies shame and anger, offering no practical help in parenting.
A difficult aspect is wanting to improve inappropriate child behaviors while being lenient, which often leads to feelings of frustration. At times, confusion about handling situations alone further adds to these feelings. However, those who ponder over these matters are evidently good parents, despite the challenges.
Particularly for parents waging the battle of parenting in unfamiliar foreign lands with limited support, empathy and comfort become even more necessary.
“Learn how to love, truly and thoughtfully, if you love!”
— John Gottman
A revised edition of “Emotion Coaching for My Child,” co-authored by Dr. Choi Sung-ae and Dr. John Gottman, who actively research and promote “emotion coaching” in Korea, provides systematic and expert guidance on the topic.
For further information about Jiwon Yoon, ATR-BC, LCPC and her work:
Hope and Art Studio / hopeandartstudio
