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Author: Mom & I Editorial Team
Is there anything as challenging as parenting? For those who have experienced raising a child, this question may resonate without dispute. As a parent, am I truly nurturing my child correctly? How well do I really know my own child? At "Mom & I," we introduce expert counseling cases in a Q&A format, offering wisdom for proper child-rearing. We hope this counseling corner will be beneficial and helpful to many parents with young children.
Question: I am a mother of a 30-month-old daughter. She acts aggressively at times, throwing and breaking toys if things do not go her way, and throws severe tantrums for toys she wants. For this reason, I have recently started using the 'Thinking Chair' as a form of punishment. However, she does not seem to reflect, and her aggression appears to be worsening. What should I do?
Answer: Children grow through tantrums. The key issue is how to handle a tantrum-throwing child. First, it is important to understand the child's feelings and discern whether their demands are reasonable.
Many mothers use the 'Thinking Chair' to stop tantrums. This involves placing the child in an isolated space to reflect on their wrongful actions and avoid repeating them. It is effective for aggressive behaviors like hitting, throwing objects, or severe tantrums.
The timing for using the 'Thinking Chair' is generally suitable from 36 months old or older when the child can cognitively recognize their mistakes. For a 30-month-old, this approach may be too early. Without cognitive abilities, the child may not understand the context and feel abandoned or unloved.
When employing the 'Thinking Chair,' it is advisable to set a time limit, such as turning over an hourglass and saying, "Reflect until this is done," or providing a clock, "Reflect until the big hand reaches here." Children under five should not sit for more than five minutes. Reflection time should not become one of fear and isolation. If repeated, the child might develop higher anxiety and lower self-esteem. Though they may momentarily cease their behavior out of fear, this might exacerbate aggressive tendencies.
If the 'Thinking Chair' proves ineffective and aggression worsens, observe your child regularly. During moments of calm and joy, attempt eye-level conversations. For a 30-month-old, discipline may occasionally involve overlooking misbehavior with love and positively reinforcing correct actions through praise. Gradually, misbehavior should decrease.
Consider tantrums as either a desire for attention or an attempt to assert their opinion. Embrace this as something endearing. However, if you find it as a challenge or disturbance, and think the child is intentionally being difficult, reflect on whether personal issues may be entwined.
The positive interpretation of issues can lead your child down the right path. The best discipline is grounded in "trust and love between parent and child."
Written by: Professor Hyosook Park, Director of Family Ministry, New Jersey, Doctor of Pastoral Counseling
