Jiwon Yoon, ATR-BC, LCPC

Eva Illouz, an Israeli sociologist studying love, identifies autonomy and a wide range of choices as the most significant characteristics of modernity. Since the 1960s, the women's movement and industrialization have allowed many women in the United States to pursue education and choose careers, enjoying increased freedom in political, economic, and cultural activities. Additionally, the timing of marriage has been delayed, and consequently, the decision to have children has also been postponed. Of course, the number of women choosing not to have children has also increased. While there are countless messages emphasizing that raising children is a woman's most beautiful and sacred duty, women no longer seem willing to unconditionally accept such prescriptive and coercive messages about their motherhood.

It was only about a hundred years ago that women in the U.S. gained the right to vote, and even then, it was limited to white women. It has only been about half a century since women of all races were granted the right to vote. The restrictive and fixed rights and freedoms that women have endured for so long have poured in all at once over the past fifty years, as if Pandora's box had been opened. While this is a very positive and desirable change, married women are experiencing a different kind of confusion within this wave of change.

As can be seen from the title of "great mother and wife" that naturally accompanies successful women, there is an underlying assumption that women must also fulfill their roles as mothers and wives perfectly. In contrast, it is rare for men's social success to be evaluated alongside their qualities as husbands and fathers (though not entirely absent, it is indeed quite rare). Thus, women still face an increasing set of contradictory obligations and roles, including the qualities demanded of modern women—obedient wives, wise mothers, social success, and the essential ability of self-actualization as 21st-century individuals—alongside their growing freedoms and rights.

Advice from immigrant elders who still adhere to the customs of Korea from the era they left often sounds less like wisdom born from experience and more like outdated authority. Conversely, the stories of younger women who challenge these relatively progressive views on women can sometimes be dismissed as "brazen and rude." This generational confusion among women is particularly acute for those living in the Korean immigrant community in the United States. While it may not be an issue of right or wrong, it often seems that a somewhat unique and complex world has emerged due to the language and cultural barriers inherent in immigrant societies. Within this complex microcosm, there is a constant evaluation of qualities related to raising children among Korean mothers, as well as feelings of disconnect between working moms and stay-at-home moms, conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, and tensions between unmarried and married women. While comparisons and prejudices among women have always existed and cannot be solely attributed to immigrant societies, as previously mentioned, the colors of blame and prejudice are inevitably more pronounced in a place where complex cultures, languages, and ideas intertwine. The multitude of diverse and complicated standards creates anxiety for us. Moreover, we have long experienced a sense of intimidation within the framework of being "not the original inhabitants of this place" (though very few in America can claim to be the original owners of this land). The immigrant perspective must adapt to the political climate of the country, and the pressure to be aware of one's surroundings can sometimes lead to directing anger toward someone who is not an enemy. In this dynamic, women can empathize with and comfort one another, but they can also easily become targets of blame and prejudice.

Mothers still face opposition or preemptively give up on what they want to do "for their children" or "for their families." Furthermore, the lack of networking and language barriers make mothers feel even more powerless. In an effort to avoid feeling powerless, mothers pour everything into their children's education and growth, yet they are also aware of the bitterness that comes from realizing that the opportunities for education and dreams they have received, regardless of gender, are merely resources for their children's success. This is not just about working; it is about the right to dream and discover oneself before family, the right not to be defined solely by the titles of wife and mother, and the need for parental leave to be granted not only to working mothers but also to mothers exhausted from caregiving. However, such thoughts are often dismissed even among other women.

In counseling, I frequently encounter the isolation and confusion experienced by mothers raising children in the U.S. The excessive burden they feel toward their children, their self-deprecation, and their frustrations within their families or communities cannot solely be traced back to individual psychology or childhood wounds. Such judgments are far too harsh on women. We must also recognize the history and social structure of immigrant communities, the arrogance and prejudice disguised as tradition that persist within them, and the sense of powerlessness in the face of those who seek to divide and establish hierarchies within their narrow world. Women's rights in America have steadily grown, and awareness of autonomy and equality within workplaces and marriage has also increased. While it is commendable that women have been given the freedom to dream and study as they wish, we need to examine more closely how this is felt by mothers in immigrant communities. I hope there will be no further prejudice and division among the many women who, by becoming mothers, find their choices limited and continue to fulfill fixed gender roles instead of enjoying autonomy and equality. It is a sad thing to waste this precious time, which is already insufficient for empathy and solidarity, on division.

Jiwon Yoon, ATR-BC, LCPC

• Master’s degree in Art Therapy

• Treatment of child victims of sexual assault at the Chicago Children’s Advocacy Center

• Art therapist for the Korea GS Caltex Social Contribution Project and the Seoul Foundation for Arts and Culture

• Healing mothers with substance abuse issues at the Center for Great Expectations in New Jersey

• Founder of the Hope and Art Studio in New Jersey

• Currently conducting counseling programs and creating picture books for mothers and children raising kids in a bicultural environment, as well as hosting the podcast "My American Child"

www.hopeandartstudio.com / hopeandartstudio